Ego Sum Vestri Preteritus Quoque
by nessa-melwasul
Summary: “But the way you talk about Harry sometimes, Sirius...” Sirius scowled darkly, as if he knew what the other was going to say. “He’s not JAMES, for Merlin’s sake.”


"Ego Sum Vestri Preteritus Quoque."  
  
A/N: I was re-reading book 5 out of boredom, and I noticed a couple things (see pages 89 and 305 in the hardback American version for my inspirations), and I thought, "Hmmm... I could add a scene in there..." ...So I did. You can read slash into it, or not, but I'm going to say that I'm (gasp) sticking with canon and calling it very strong friendship, more like a relationship between a pair of brothers. About the title: roughly translated, it means, in Latin of course, "I'm your past too." Love this? Hate it? Let me know.  
  
-------------------------------------------------------  
  
Sirius Black had been in a bad mood for two days, ever since he'd spoken to Harry, Ron, and Hermione through the fire. He hadn't been out of the Most Noble and Ancient House of Black since September first. He'd wanted to meet the three at Hogsmeade so very much, and had become exceptionally frustrated when they said no. His hot temper was notorious, and matched only by James Potter's, a person who Sirius was beginning to miss desperately. A lot of times, when he was alone in the house, he swore he heard James's voice, and whenever Sirius dreamed, James and Lilly were always there, so close, yet just out of his reach. It was quite literally driving him mad, and Sirius yearned for human company of any sort.  
  
And so, when the magical bolts of number twelve, Grimmauld Place began unlocking themselves from the outside, Sirius was naturally curious as to the identity of the unlocker. No one was due back from their current missions for at least a week. The door swung open, and Remus Lupin stepped in, shaking the rain from his graying, honey-brown hair. Sirius smiled widely. "You're back early," he said, enveloping his friend in a hug. Remus nodded, also smiling. "The Germans didn't, er, get along that well with me," he said with a devious grin.  
  
The pair padded down the stairs into the kitchen, chatting about Remus's mission, which had taken him to Germany. Sirius put on some water to make tea, and they took seats at the table, munching on the leftovers of some food Molly had brought over three days previous, when she came to tidy up the house and look after Sirius a bit.  
  
Dinner was a pleasant affair, and afterwards, the pair retreated up the stairs to the drawing room. Remus sat on the couch reading the Daily Prophet with his right arm around Sirius's shoulders and his fingers intertwined in his friend's hair. Sirius was sitting with his legs curled underneath him, laying his head on Remus's right shoulder, reading the same paper Remus was. They sat there like that for a long time in silence, reading the entire paper, cover to cover.  
  
Finally, Remus broke the peaceful silence. He folded the paper, threw it on the floor, and turned his head ever so slightly, so that he was eye to eye with Sirius, who was still resting on Remus's shoulder. Sirius raised an eyebrow as Remus took a breath and began to speak. "Alright, we've talked about me, we've talked about the Order, we've eaten, we've read the paper..." At this point Remus furrowed his eyebrows together into a worried look. "How are YOU, Sirius?" Sirius began to respond, but before he got a chance, Remus added, "And don't give me some cock-and-bull answer like 'Fine.' Molly may buy that, but you damned well know I won't." Remus raised an eyebrow at his friend.  
  
Sirius sighed, his mouth quirking into a small, almost delicate frown. He sat up, leaning back towards the other end of the couch, looking Remus in the eye. "You're asking the truth from me, I'm assuming?" Remus rolled his eyes and nodded. "Of course I am." The ghost of a smirk flitted across Sirius's gaunt features, but was gone in split second. He opened his mouth, closed it, pausing for a moment to fully formulate his answer, then quietly said, with a tone of utmost sincerity, "I am going absolutely insane in this bloody house, Moony."  
  
Remus raised an eyebrow as Sirius continued, his voice growing louder. "I am sick and tired of being cooped up all day and night, with nothing but my dead mother's portrait and that wretched excuse for a house elf Kreacher to keep me company. I am sick and tired of not being useful, Remus. The whole POINT of my escape from Azkaban," he shuddered at the name, "was to do three things: Kill Peter, avenge Lilly and James's deaths, and to protect Harry, and Dumbledore is doing a pretty good job at making sure that I can't accomplish any of them!" Sirius shook his head in utter disgust at his situation. "I think I'm starting to go insane, Remus," he said, his voice suddenly high and cracking. "Sometimes, I lay awake at night, and I..." he trailed off, a silver tear threatening to fall from his lifeless chocolate eyes. He swallowed and tried again in a much softer voice. "I see them, Lilly and James. I can HEAR THEM, Remus, I can SEE THEM, but they can't hear me... They're always so close, but I can never touch them." He laid his head back on Remus's shoulder. Remus unconsciously slipped his right arm around Sirius's waist, pulling the thin man closer. "Sometimes," Sirius whispered, "it doesn't even seem like it's worth it to keep on living..."  
  
They just sat there for a few moments, unmoving and unspeaking; Remus absorbing Sirius's words, Sirius taking comfort in his friend's silent presence. After a few quiet moments Sirius spoke again, his voice low and weary. "I spoke with," he paused a moment, "the Golden Trio a couple days ago." Remus smirked slightly at the name, but raised an eyebrow at the information. "Did you really?" "Yeah. I asked them if I could meet them in Hogsmeade..." Remus scowled. "I hope that at least Hermione was smart enough to tell you no?" Sirius scowled even deeper, and laughed bitterly. "Oh, they all did," he said, icy tones in his tired voice. A few more quiet moments passed, before Sirius muttered, "James would've..."  
  
Remus rolled his eyes a little. "Sirius, honestly, they're not us, and they never will be, and---" "I know, I know, Moony, I know... I'm not THAT crazy," came his cold, frustrated answer. Remus sighed. "But the way you talk about Harry sometimes, Sirius..." Sirius scowled darkly, as if he knew what the other was going to say. "He's not JAMES, for Merlin's sake."  
  
Sirius sprang from Remus's shoulder. "Don't you think I know that?!" he demanded. He regarded Remus with a hard stare for a long moment before speaking again. His voice was low and menacing. "A part of me died that night, Remus, it died with James and it died with Lilly and died with Harry. All that could have been, all that we could have had and done -- yes, you too -- all of it, gone. The only thing that kept me sane in Azkaban was the fact that I was bloody innocent, and as that counts for NOTHING now... what have I got to hold on to?" He plowed on without giving Remus a chance to answer. "Harry is my only link to the past, the only tangible thing I can put my hands on. If I just so happen to see James in him, so what, everyone else does. If his face just so happens to be so very reminiscent of the two of them that it keeps me alive one more day, what's the harm in that?" He raised an eyebrow at Remus, as though challenging him to say he was wrong.  
  
Remus pursed his lips, a grieved expression washing over his face. He carefully studied a hole in the rug before meeting Sirius's eyes. "Hold on to me," he said quietly. "Harry is not James, nor is he Lilly, no matter how much he reminds us of either one of them." Remus's words were even and measured, his voice calm, his face sad. He pulled Sirius back to his shoulder. "Hold on to me," he repeated. "I'm your past too, Sirius." A silent and solitary tear fell onto Sirius's cheek. Remus pulled him closer, wrapping his arms around the emaciated man. "You have me to live for here in the present, and I'll be there for you in the future..." He ran his fingers through Sirius's long raven hair, which was once so majestic, but now hung limply around his ears. It was flooding down onto Remus's shoulder, mixing with his own graying honey-brown locks.  
  
"I'm your past too." 


End file.
